Last Sunday, I had a total “fan girl” moment. Well, I guess
now it’s more of a “fan woman” moment, as the object of my swooning was not a
movie star or pop icon, but a Jesuit priest who bears a striking resemblance to
Santa Clause. I got to meet Father Gregory Boyle. And even give him a side hug. In 2011, at the recommendation of a
dear friend at our former church, I read Father Greg’s “Tattoos on the Heart”
for the first time. Through his 30-year
work with gang members in Los Angeles, Father Greg has become something like
the Grace Whisperer. Of “Tattoos…,” Richard Rohr says, “Sometimes we are
allowed to see in our own lifetimes what we were supposed to see in the life
and ministry of Jesus. Read, and let your life be changed!” I’m pretty down
with that description.
I won’t recount to you how his powerful words altered my
life’s course, because that’s not what happened. Sometimes God works fast like
that. But other times, as Father Greg describes in Chapter 11, God’s work is
slow. I guess the first reading ignited a little spark in my spirit, and in
spite of myself, it has been trying to shine brighter for the last 5 years. I
re-read the book this year as part of a small group study at my church,
squarely in the middle of waiting on our daughter. It was interesting to see which
passages I had highlighted during my first reading few years ago. This time, entirely
new passages emerged as life rafts (intentionally underlined rather than
highlighted this time – we’ve all got quirks), each one centered on trusting in
the slow work of God. I am betting that his phrase “slow work of God” was
inspired by the earlier writings of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin:
“Above all, trust in the slow work of God. We are quite
naturally impatient in everything to reach the end without delay. We would like
to skip the intermediate stages. We are impatient of being on the way to
something unknown, something new. And yet it is the law of all progress that it
is made by passing through some stages of instability – and it may take a very
long time. Above all, trust in the slow work of God, our loving vine-dresser.”
Go ahead, Father Pierre.
This week has been another practice in leaning into the slow
work of God. We were told the week prior that we would hear an update from our
new agency regarding how to move forward during the week of August 28th,
but that didn’t stop us from secretly wishing word would come early. Because
receiving news before we were expecting it has always been our experience in
international adoption. Of course <insert eye roll emoji>. In God’s
effort keep us from dwelling on the slow-ness of God’s work, we were
delightfully gifted us with head lice (courtesy of Amelia), so I don’t want to
complain too much about waiting around for the phone to ring. This week, though,
that little light in my spirit sparked a new realization within me: Father
Pierre and Father Greg are so right. If you look really hard, you can find grace
in the intermediate stages too.
When we received our daughter’s referral last September, we were
told that we could expect to bring her home in 6-9 months. Well, 6 months into
waiting on an actual and specific little girl and not just sitting on a list
taped to somebody’s filing cabinet, I was still FREAKING OUT. I think my mother
was seriously worried about my mental health. All these international adoption
books were starting to scare me. How would we manage? Would she and Amelia get
along? How long could she be in preschool before starting real school? Real
school is scary. Was Amelia going to freak out? Would she feel replaced? How
were we going to divide up all the girl toys? Would we buy more toys? Different
toys or the same? What if they didn’t want to share a room? Was “cocooning”
going to be the death of our family? We don’t stay inside well. Is this going
to be a total train wreck?
Surely this stream of consciousness is all normal? If not,
kindly put a pin in it and save it for us to talk about way a long time from
now.
Fast-forward several months. More slow work, more waiting. You
know what? That slow work has done a number on my anxiety about her homecoming.
Of course, I still recognize that things will be tough for a while when she
comes home. Maybe even a long while. But the transition was initially tough
when we brought J. Henry home, and tougher still when it was Amelia’s turn to
cross our threshold for the first time. There will be a transition period. I
totally accept that. But you know what? This slow work and waiting has given my
heart time to long for my daughter. I mean really, deeply long for her. Down in
my soul. I have prayed (almost)
every day since receiving her referral for our hearts to be bound to hers and
for her heart to be prepared to receive our love. And all this time has allowed
my heart to truly be bound to her even before knowing her. I don’t think I
could have seen through the fog of anxiety clearly enough 6 months ago to be
able to say that.
Now, the Wesleyan in me needs to come right out and say that
I DO NOT believe God caused our adoption
process to be a slow work so that I would be brought to a spirit of deep
longing for my daughter. I DO NOT
believe that God is keeping my daughter in an orphanage this long just so her
adoptive mama can get her crap together and her heart in the right place. Rather,
God’s redeeming seeps down into the ashes of our waiting so that nothing is
wasted during this time. My heart – our hearts – are being changed during the
wait.
May the slow work of God press on as we await the day that our
dear daughter who has been in our hearts will join us in our arms. And may it
also continue in me.
This week, please be in prayer that:
1.
We will hear from our new agency during the
first half of the week. I mean, we’re talking about slow work, not slooooooow
work, right?
2.
Our case is in order and in good standing for an
agency transfer
3.
MOWA and the orphanage will not request
additional paperwork from us as a result of the agency change
4.
The agency change will not significantly delay
our timeline for bringing our daughter home
In God’s Grace,
Kameron, Nathan, J. Henry, Amelia and our New Little Girl!
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